Singing In Public

The one thing I swore up and down I would never do is sing in public. I thought that I would never have to. I guess dating a guy who plays bass guitar and sings lead in a band changes all that. The bottom line is, I can't sing. I hate the thought making a fool of myself in public.

As it turns out, on July 24th, Tommy is coming to get me and he is taking me out for a bbq dinner at a small family run and operated restaurant over in Vacaville. After that we are going to this dive bar to sing karaoke. I said, "I will go listen to you and everyone else sing, but I will never sing in public."

Tommy has been trying to convince me I need to sing at least one song and I have been fighting him on it. Last night we were on the phone and he asked me what he can do to convince me to sing that night. I thought about it and I finally said that if he gets me as drunk as possible, I will get up on stage and sing a song. He says it's a deal, so there is no backing out now.

Besides, if I am drinking, he will drink too. He has to work the next morning and if he gets real drunk, he can't drive and he will have to spend the night with me and drive to work from my house, so I will benefit from it in the end.

Bisexuality

Some time ago I came out to my family and told them I am bisexual. They frowned upon it so much that I later told them that I wasn't and have been keeping it from them ever since. I wish I could be myself with them, but they don't get me.

I have tried to convince myself that I am not bisexual, but the truth is I am and I can't change who I am. I am attracted to women. When it comes to relationships though, I prefer to be with a guy. I want marriage and children someday, but in the meantime I want to have fun with females. This may sound horrible to some of my friends who may stumble across this, but I am just being honest.

Tommy gets this and he supports it and that makes me love him even more. I can be myself with him and I don't have to worry about him judging me because he won't. I tell him all the time what a great guy he is and he always tells me, "Don't let that get out. I have a reputation to uphold."

Well, I need to get back to work on the character charts for a book I am writing with Tommy. I am hoping that the next time he spends the night we can get in a good chunk of one of the novels we are co-authoring written. He is an excellent writer and I am learning a lot from him.

PMS

I recently learned that I have PMS and I am being treated for it. Learning this has helped mine and Tommy's relationship. I thought that Tommy was being distant with me, but he wasn't. When I started reading the symptoms of PMS (which by the way runs in my family) I began to see that a lot of what I was feeling was connected to the PMS. One of the symptoms is:

Feel distanced from family and friends.

After researching PMS and learning that 85% of all women experience PMS at some point in their life made me feel a little better because to be quite honest I thought I was losing it mentally. I called my doctor's office though and I am working on fixing it.

Tommy and I have talked and things are fine between us. He came over on Sunday and we hung out in my bedroom for awhile talking and then we went out to see the movie Hancock and then we went out to dinner at Red Robin before coming back here to watch a movie in my room before he went home. Spending time with him really helped me to feel he really wasn't being distant with me, which he wasn't to start with. Even though we weren't talking on the phone as often as I was used to, he was still text messaging me and keeping in contact with me.

I hope that mine and Tommy's relationship never comes to an end. I am in love with him and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

All Good Things Must Come To An End I Guess (Or Do They?)

Last Saturday night the rules changed in my house. Tommy is allowed to spend nights at my house in my bedroom and he did. We stayed up late watching movies together. The next day we went out to lunch and a movie at the mall. We even did a bit of shopping. It was while we were shopping that Tommy made a comment that kind of hurt.

I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks prior to this because he had other plans with his friends. I had no problem with this and never said anything except for him to have a good time. It didn't bother me at all. What Tommy said while we were shopping did hurt me though and it isn't the first time he has made hurtful comments to me.

This particular comment did hurt though more than any of them. He said that because of me, he no longer had time for his friends and that his friends miss him. This floored me because I never stopped him from spending time with his friends. I never even complained about it. He went on to say that because of the time he spends with me, which I thought he wanted to do because us getting together was always his idea, he can't do the things he wants with his friends. I pretended I wasn't hurting because there was no way I was going let Tommy see me cry. I pretended to be happy as you can see in the picture attached to this blog entry.

Since he left here Sunday night he has not called me and the only thing I have gotten from him is just a few text messages and only after I text messaged him first. This morning I sent him a text message I told him that I have noticed he is being distant with me and that I felt used, as if he had gotten what he wanted out of me Saturday night and that it is hard for me to trust him now. His response back to me was that he has not been distant, but has been really confused lately and that we will talk after work.

Before Saturday night we used to talk on the phone every night. He would even call and tell me goodnight. That has all come to a stop. I am leaving the ball in his court from here on out. If we talk about this after work as he says, then he will have to contact me first. He's going to have to be the one to make this right. I have been the one giving my all to him (including giving up my religion to make him happy) and getting nothing in return for it. I'm tired of it. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I just know that it is going to take a good long time for me to trust again, if I ever do.

Tommy

Tommy is great. I have never known a guy like him ever. In the past, the men I dated tended to be very rude and controlling. If I got upset or scared about something, they would yell at me. Tommy isn't like that. For example the other night he said to me, "Awww....what's wrong, Muffin?" My heart melted when he said that.

I am sitting here right now waiting for him to get off work. We are playing it by ear on how he is going to feel. If his back hurts, then we are going to wait until tomorrow night (Sunday) to go out.

I know in an earlier blog I mentioned quiting church. I followed through with it. I no longer go to church. Over the past few months I come to realize that I really am an atheist. Tommy helped me to feel free to not only admit to myself, but those around me.

I am happy though and I don't feel any guilt over any of the decisions I have made in my life lately. It is what is best for me and I need to follow my heart to wherever it may lead me in my life journey.

Life Is Great

This is just a quick blog before I leave for church. I am thinking about quiting church again, but not sure if I want to go in that direction yet...I will blog more about this on a later date as I move closer to making a decision. I don't want to act to hastily either way.

Tommy came over on Mother's Day to spend some time with my mom after his mom left for work and he had cake and ice cream with us. I was nervous because as I think I have mentioned before, my mom thinks he is the anti-Christ.

When it came time for him to leave, I asked him if he wanted me to walk him out. He did the cutest thing, but I don't think he knows I noticed. He turned to the side thinking I couldn't see, smiled, and mouthed the word, "Yes!" Then he turned to me and acting as cool as he could, he said, "Sure, you can if you want," so I walked out with him.

We stood on the sidewalk just hugging and whispering in each other's ear. I didn't want it to end. We embraced like that for at least 15 minutes and then spent another 15 minutes kissing. Being in his arms feels great. Whenever he holds me in his arms that way I never want it to end and when it does, I can't wait to be back in his arms again.

When we finally pulled free from the embrace, he told me he would call me later and then he did this little skip and ran to his car. He seemed really happy. No guy ever reacted to me in that way before I lost weight.

We have another date later today after I get home from church. I really think he might be the one...

So Tommy and I had our date. It was great and I am so glad that I went. I am also glad that I met him.

When my mom first saw him, she looked his outfit up and down and and the look on her face when she saw his combat boots was priceless. She looked at him as if he is the anti-Christ come to life.

We went to the mall and got in a lot of walking. He was proving to me that I can eat 'junk food' from time to time and not gain any weight.

Then we went and had a coco loco at a coffee shop in the mall before we headed over to Hot Topic to do some shopping. It was the first time I have ever shopped in that store, but it has become my favorite store and I can't wait to go back.

After that we went to Chic Filet for dinner. We then left the mall and went to a club in Vallejo in a really bad neighborhood, which is where we are in the picture (it is actually in the back room of that club). We watched several bands perform and then he took me home and by the time we got bac to Fairfield, it was after one in the morning, but I had a lot of fun.

He kissed me goodnight and then he left. I got in the house to find my mom had waited up for me. She was mad at me for staying out so late and saying good girls don't stay out all night like that. I am 33 years old and she is acting as if I am still this little teenage girl. It is getting annoying as hell. She said that if I was under age, she wouldn't have let me out the door with him.

The only thing left to do is to get my mom and Tommy talking to each other and getting to know one another because I don't think either one of them is going to be out of my life anytime soon, so they need to learn to get along with one another if this is going to work, so that is what I have been working on.

On Mother's day Tommy came over to celebrate it with us since his mom had to work. I was worried about it, but I think that my mom and Tommy actually talked and they got along great. It surprised Tommy because he said that most moms don't like him. He wore his combat boots again and the outfit he planned to wear Monday to get out of jury duty (it did the trick and he doesn't have to do jury duty today, so he got to go to work, which is good because he needs the money to pay his car payment and cell phone bill).

When it came time for him to go, I asked him if it would be okay for me to walk him out. He turned to the side and I don't think he noticed that I noticed, but he smiled and mouthed the word, "Yes". When we got outside, he held me in his arms for the longest time and it felt great. Actually it felt perfect. When he was kissing me bye, I realized something. I think I am falling in love with Tommy. I can't wait to see him agian and I know it will be soon.

Before I forget, the first picture is a picture of me from behind and my new hair color (I can't wait till the excess skin is removed so I don't look so huge anymore).

It has been a few days since I posted a blog, so I thought I would take a few minutes to do so, even though I don't have much time.

I posted a blog a few days ago confused about what guy to choose. In my opinion they are all great, but my mom doesn't agree. There is only one my mom approves of and those who know me know why she wants me with this guy, even though I have no feelings for him.

Well, as difficult as it was, I narrowed it down to two choices:

1) Anwar
2) James (Jimmy) (my mom's choice for obvious reasons)

When I made my announcement to my mom that I had narrowed the choices down, I kept saying, "but then again there's Tommy" and my mom kept saying no, "You said Anwar and Jimmy" as if all that was set in stone.

I kept thinking about the situation. It was was a very hard to decision to make, but I knew I had to make my choice. I didn't choose Anwar. I thought about it and I realized that I will never be able to be with Anwar. He lives in Maryland and that is a very expensive place to live. I am just surviving where I am now.

So that left Jimmy. The only problem is that I don't love him and I can't force myself to love him. It just wasn't going anywhere and I don't see it going anywhere in the future.

I did choose one though and to my mom's disappointment, I chose Tommy. We are going to date and see where things go. In fact, he will be calling me any minute now and then coming over to pick me up for our date. I am actually happy about my choice and looking forward to seeing where it leads.

Sealed To My Family

My dream has always been to be sealed to my family in the temple, but for anyone who knows me they know that was out of the question in the past because my dad wasn't a member of the church. It was one dream that I felt would never come true and that knowledge is partially what led me away from the church for so long. I just didn't see the point in myself continuing to go.

In 2005 I met James (Jim) on an online dating service for LDS members (I am not even sure what I was doing on an LDS site, but I was none the less). Jim and I talked from time to time, but I had no desire to return to the church. Little did I know that him and I would be meeting and that all that would be changing.

I think things have happened in the order they have for a reason. Jim and I were meant to meet I suppose. The chain of events occurred in this order:

• In October of 2007 my neophew who was 15 at the time was baptized for the dead for my dad, so my dad is officially a member of the church now (my dad wanted to be a member, but he always felt it was too late for him)
• In November of 2007 Jim told me that he wanted to meet me offline and I agreed (I still wasn't 100% at the point of wanting to return to church, although I was talking about it to various people, just not with Jim)
• The end of January I talked to the Missionaries and I decided to return to church
• Shortly after that I announced it to my family and friends, including Jim that I was going back
• On February 2, 2008 I went back to church for the first time in many years and have not missed a single Sunday since
• On Valentines Day, 2008 Jim and I met for the first time and went out on our first date
• In March 2008, Jim told me he had prayed about it and that it and that it was impressed upon him that my family would return to church and that they would be sealed to each other (I told him it would take a miracle because I couldn't even get my family to go to church) - he also stated that my dad was waiting for the rest of his temple work to be completed - I thought this was strange, and I asked others at church and they told me that they believed everything Jim had said to me
• On April 2, 2008 we were told that my dad's temple work has been completed
• Also on April 2, 2008 for the first time in about 27 years, my mom, my sister Kat, and I attended church together as a family and we plan to attend church as a family every Sunday from now on
  
• My mom is planning to go to the temple to be sealed to my dad and my sister Sandra, me, and possibly my sister Peggy will be going to the temple with my mom when she does so we can be sealed to our parents

Miracles really do happen and I know I have God to thank for this miracle...

Men

Tommy

James (Jim)

Eric

Anwar

Since losing all my weight, I have four guys interested in me and I know that no matter which one I choose, it could change my life drastically. It is very frustrating.

The first one is my best friend Anwar and I have to say, even if my family and friends can't see it, and even if he is not LDS and will never convert, he is obviously the best choice for me. I know for a fact he would always treat me good. Anwar is my best friend, my companion through good times and bad. My buddy through happy and sad times. Beside me he stands, beside me he walks. He's there to listen, he's there to talk with happiness and smiles and with pain and tears. I know that no matter who I choose, he will be there through the years. He's the one who is there to always catch me when I fall. The only problem is that he is living on the other side of the United States in Maryland. I am seriously thinking about having the cosmetic part of my plastic surgeries done in Maryland, but I think Anwar and I both know that if I do that, than I won't want to ever come back here and would want to be with him forever. When I talked to Anwar today, he told me that if I go there, there is a good chance him and I will be getting together.

Then there is Eric and I know that both Penny and Anwar want Eric out of my life. Anwar is constantly telling me he thinks Eric is crazy. I know he says that though because he has seen the hurt that Eric caused in my life. At one time Eric was my best friend and I fell in love with him. Then without warning Eric disappeared from my life and I never heard from him again until a few months ago. He reappeared in my life expecting to pick up the friendship where we left off, but of course that isn't possible. I could never be his best friend again and I would never give Anwar up as my best friend now that I have him in my life. Yet, there is still a part of me that has feelings for Eric. Eric doesn't want a relationship though, but he has made it clear he wants me to pack up and move to Idaho where he is living now so we can be near each other. It just seems like too big of a sacrifice for nothing. Eric does make me feel good inside, even if he isn't the best choice for me and I know he will just hurt me.

James (Jim) is a really great guy, but I am not sure he is for me. We have gone out a few times and my family really likes him. He served a mission and he goes to church every Sunday. With him I could have eternal marriage in the temple. My family and friends feel Jim is perfect for me, but I am not too sure about that. Jim says we don't know what the future holds and what will happen in the future. He has asked me to wait to see what happens between us, but I am not sure if I can wait. I can't help but wonder, what good is eternity if the man who makes my heart skip a beat is Anwar? Anwar will never convert to Mormonism. He is a Muslim and I respect that.

Last, but not least is Tommy. Tommy is the ultimate bad boy just like Eric. They both have long hair, which I like. Tommy is also the type of guy my mom has always warned me against. He is her worst nightmare. Tommy is a hippy. He is also a singer and bass player in a heavy metal band, which I think is cool. I think I have kind of outgrown the whole bad boy thing though because I am finding Anwar to be more attractive and Anwar is far from being the bad boy.

What am I going to do? I know I have to decide soon before I disrupt my whole life. I'm just scared that whatever I decide will turn out to be the wrong choice...

Confession

I haven't really been eating lately. I have an extreme fear of weight gain. I am beginning to think everyone around me is right. I am an anorexic. I believe this to be true after what happened in church today.

I almost passed out. My friends and family said I turned white as a sheet. They made me promise to go see a doctor about this, so tomorrow I will call and make me an appointment. The bishop's wife says that if I fix my metabolism I will be able to eat just like everyone else and not worry about weight gain. I hope she is right.

I have agreed to transition completely off from the Medifast because this is really frightening my friends and family and that isn't what I want to do. I just want them to see me in a normal way. Not as the 'fat' girl and not as the 'anorexic' girl. I just hope I can follow through with this promise. I am going to try my hardest.

I am ten pounds heavier than I am now in the above picture and I was told by more than one person that I was bordering on too thin. I have this fear though that once the excess skin is removed, I am still going to be fat.

My friends are afraid that I am going to die from not eating. I am afraid they are right, but what can I do when I am too afraid to eat food?

Talk

Tomorrow in Sunday school I will be giving a talk. This is my first talk in years and the first talk I have written. The strange thing I am not nervous. Maybe everyone is right and I have gotten over my shyness after losing weight. They say the new me is outgoing and has a great personality. I wish I could see it for myself. Here is the talk I will be giving tomorrow:

My talk today is about the 8^th Article of Faith, which reads: "We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly. We also believe the book of Mormon to be the word of God."

With so many versions and translations of Bibles available around the world today, it leaves a large margin for mistakes to be made. An English teacher once told me, "All it takes is one small word out of context and it can change the whole meaning of what you are trying to say."

In 1^st Nephi 13:26 it reads: "And after they go forth of the twelve apostles of the Lamb, from the Jews unto the Gentiles, thou seest the formation of the great and abominable church, which is the most abominable above all other churches; for behold, they have taken away from the gospel of the Lamb many parts which are plain and most precious; and also many covenants of the Lord they have taken away."

The Bible was written in three languages. No translation is perfect.

The Bible has been translated numerous times for over two thousand years. The books which compose the Bible were written in Greek, Hebrew and Aramaic. Obviously, this poses a problem for most people who would like to read the Bible.

I would like to share with you briefly a personal story.

While growing up I really had no knowledge that other editions of the Bible even existed. I always just had the one I used for church. That all changed for me eleven years ago when my doctor admitted into a nursing home for my weight.

When the staff saw on the forms that I was a Mormon, they didn't like it. They considered the Mormon church to be an occult. They brought in a therapist who was trained to 'save' people from occults. At times it was frustrating for me because I would say something and the woman would say, "That's a Mormon thing" and she acted as if it were something bad.

During that time they were bringing in different people from a lot of different religions to talk to me, which only made me more confused. What stood out the most about these different religions was that they all seemed to have their own version of the Bible which supported their beliefs which they tried to impose on me.

Having been through this experience, I can understand more how a lot of the people I have come in contact with on the Internet feel. These are people who were not raised any religion, but are now trying to find their own spiritual path in life and were not raised knowing the truth as I have been.

Many people are confused and with all the religions and versions of the Bible that are out there, it is easy to see why they would be. The only advise I have for these individuals so as to not add to their confusion is to tell them to pray to God for guidance and he will help lead them to the right path.

Through the study of the scriptures and through prayer, God will reveal the truths to us which are contained in the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon contains the fullness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

The Book of Mormon is written for our day. It is the voice of warning, reminding us of all the dangers of ignoring God and rejecting His Prophets. It contains the basics of what Mormons believe about Jesus Christ and teaches clearly about faith, repentance, and obedience to God.

In History of the Church 4:461, the Prophet Joseph Smith said, "The Book of Mormon was the most correct of any book on earth, and the keystone of our religion, and a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book."

To know if the Book of Mormon is really the word of God, you must read it, ponder it, and pray to God to tell you if it is true. You must compare its teachings to those of the Bible. Only by the power of the Holy Ghost can a person truly know if the Book of Mormon comes from God.