Singing In Public

The one thing I swore up and down I would never do is sing in public. I thought that I would never have to. I guess dating a guy who plays bass guitar and sings lead in a band changes all that. The bottom line is, I can't sing. I hate the thought making a fool of myself in public.

As it turns out, on July 24th, Tommy is coming to get me and he is taking me out for a bbq dinner at a small family run and operated restaurant over in Vacaville. After that we are going to this dive bar to sing karaoke. I said, "I will go listen to you and everyone else sing, but I will never sing in public."

Tommy has been trying to convince me I need to sing at least one song and I have been fighting him on it. Last night we were on the phone and he asked me what he can do to convince me to sing that night. I thought about it and I finally said that if he gets me as drunk as possible, I will get up on stage and sing a song. He says it's a deal, so there is no backing out now.

Besides, if I am drinking, he will drink too. He has to work the next morning and if he gets real drunk, he can't drive and he will have to spend the night with me and drive to work from my house, so I will benefit from it in the end.

Bisexuality

Some time ago I came out to my family and told them I am bisexual. They frowned upon it so much that I later told them that I wasn't and have been keeping it from them ever since. I wish I could be myself with them, but they don't get me.

I have tried to convince myself that I am not bisexual, but the truth is I am and I can't change who I am. I am attracted to women. When it comes to relationships though, I prefer to be with a guy. I want marriage and children someday, but in the meantime I want to have fun with females. This may sound horrible to some of my friends who may stumble across this, but I am just being honest.

Tommy gets this and he supports it and that makes me love him even more. I can be myself with him and I don't have to worry about him judging me because he won't. I tell him all the time what a great guy he is and he always tells me, "Don't let that get out. I have a reputation to uphold."

Well, I need to get back to work on the character charts for a book I am writing with Tommy. I am hoping that the next time he spends the night we can get in a good chunk of one of the novels we are co-authoring written. He is an excellent writer and I am learning a lot from him.

PMS

I recently learned that I have PMS and I am being treated for it. Learning this has helped mine and Tommy's relationship. I thought that Tommy was being distant with me, but he wasn't. When I started reading the symptoms of PMS (which by the way runs in my family) I began to see that a lot of what I was feeling was connected to the PMS. One of the symptoms is:

Feel distanced from family and friends.

After researching PMS and learning that 85% of all women experience PMS at some point in their life made me feel a little better because to be quite honest I thought I was losing it mentally. I called my doctor's office though and I am working on fixing it.

Tommy and I have talked and things are fine between us. He came over on Sunday and we hung out in my bedroom for awhile talking and then we went out to see the movie Hancock and then we went out to dinner at Red Robin before coming back here to watch a movie in my room before he went home. Spending time with him really helped me to feel he really wasn't being distant with me, which he wasn't to start with. Even though we weren't talking on the phone as often as I was used to, he was still text messaging me and keeping in contact with me.

I hope that mine and Tommy's relationship never comes to an end. I am in love with him and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

All Good Things Must Come To An End I Guess (Or Do They?)

Last Saturday night the rules changed in my house. Tommy is allowed to spend nights at my house in my bedroom and he did. We stayed up late watching movies together. The next day we went out to lunch and a movie at the mall. We even did a bit of shopping. It was while we were shopping that Tommy made a comment that kind of hurt.

I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks prior to this because he had other plans with his friends. I had no problem with this and never said anything except for him to have a good time. It didn't bother me at all. What Tommy said while we were shopping did hurt me though and it isn't the first time he has made hurtful comments to me.

This particular comment did hurt though more than any of them. He said that because of me, he no longer had time for his friends and that his friends miss him. This floored me because I never stopped him from spending time with his friends. I never even complained about it. He went on to say that because of the time he spends with me, which I thought he wanted to do because us getting together was always his idea, he can't do the things he wants with his friends. I pretended I wasn't hurting because there was no way I was going let Tommy see me cry. I pretended to be happy as you can see in the picture attached to this blog entry.

Since he left here Sunday night he has not called me and the only thing I have gotten from him is just a few text messages and only after I text messaged him first. This morning I sent him a text message I told him that I have noticed he is being distant with me and that I felt used, as if he had gotten what he wanted out of me Saturday night and that it is hard for me to trust him now. His response back to me was that he has not been distant, but has been really confused lately and that we will talk after work.

Before Saturday night we used to talk on the phone every night. He would even call and tell me goodnight. That has all come to a stop. I am leaving the ball in his court from here on out. If we talk about this after work as he says, then he will have to contact me first. He's going to have to be the one to make this right. I have been the one giving my all to him (including giving up my religion to make him happy) and getting nothing in return for it. I'm tired of it. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I just know that it is going to take a good long time for me to trust again, if I ever do.