Singing In Public

The one thing I swore up and down I would never do is sing in public. I thought that I would never have to. I guess dating a guy who plays bass guitar and sings lead in a band changes all that. The bottom line is, I can't sing. I hate the thought making a fool of myself in public.

As it turns out, on July 24th, Tommy is coming to get me and he is taking me out for a bbq dinner at a small family run and operated restaurant over in Vacaville. After that we are going to this dive bar to sing karaoke. I said, "I will go listen to you and everyone else sing, but I will never sing in public."

Tommy has been trying to convince me I need to sing at least one song and I have been fighting him on it. Last night we were on the phone and he asked me what he can do to convince me to sing that night. I thought about it and I finally said that if he gets me as drunk as possible, I will get up on stage and sing a song. He says it's a deal, so there is no backing out now.

Besides, if I am drinking, he will drink too. He has to work the next morning and if he gets real drunk, he can't drive and he will have to spend the night with me and drive to work from my house, so I will benefit from it in the end.

Bisexuality

Some time ago I came out to my family and told them I am bisexual. They frowned upon it so much that I later told them that I wasn't and have been keeping it from them ever since. I wish I could be myself with them, but they don't get me.

I have tried to convince myself that I am not bisexual, but the truth is I am and I can't change who I am. I am attracted to women. When it comes to relationships though, I prefer to be with a guy. I want marriage and children someday, but in the meantime I want to have fun with females. This may sound horrible to some of my friends who may stumble across this, but I am just being honest.

Tommy gets this and he supports it and that makes me love him even more. I can be myself with him and I don't have to worry about him judging me because he won't. I tell him all the time what a great guy he is and he always tells me, "Don't let that get out. I have a reputation to uphold."

Well, I need to get back to work on the character charts for a book I am writing with Tommy. I am hoping that the next time he spends the night we can get in a good chunk of one of the novels we are co-authoring written. He is an excellent writer and I am learning a lot from him.

PMS

I recently learned that I have PMS and I am being treated for it. Learning this has helped mine and Tommy's relationship. I thought that Tommy was being distant with me, but he wasn't. When I started reading the symptoms of PMS (which by the way runs in my family) I began to see that a lot of what I was feeling was connected to the PMS. One of the symptoms is:

Feel distanced from family and friends.

After researching PMS and learning that 85% of all women experience PMS at some point in their life made me feel a little better because to be quite honest I thought I was losing it mentally. I called my doctor's office though and I am working on fixing it.

Tommy and I have talked and things are fine between us. He came over on Sunday and we hung out in my bedroom for awhile talking and then we went out to see the movie Hancock and then we went out to dinner at Red Robin before coming back here to watch a movie in my room before he went home. Spending time with him really helped me to feel he really wasn't being distant with me, which he wasn't to start with. Even though we weren't talking on the phone as often as I was used to, he was still text messaging me and keeping in contact with me.

I hope that mine and Tommy's relationship never comes to an end. I am in love with him and I can't imagine my life without him in it.

All Good Things Must Come To An End I Guess (Or Do They?)

Last Saturday night the rules changed in my house. Tommy is allowed to spend nights at my house in my bedroom and he did. We stayed up late watching movies together. The next day we went out to lunch and a movie at the mall. We even did a bit of shopping. It was while we were shopping that Tommy made a comment that kind of hurt.

I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks prior to this because he had other plans with his friends. I had no problem with this and never said anything except for him to have a good time. It didn't bother me at all. What Tommy said while we were shopping did hurt me though and it isn't the first time he has made hurtful comments to me.

This particular comment did hurt though more than any of them. He said that because of me, he no longer had time for his friends and that his friends miss him. This floored me because I never stopped him from spending time with his friends. I never even complained about it. He went on to say that because of the time he spends with me, which I thought he wanted to do because us getting together was always his idea, he can't do the things he wants with his friends. I pretended I wasn't hurting because there was no way I was going let Tommy see me cry. I pretended to be happy as you can see in the picture attached to this blog entry.

Since he left here Sunday night he has not called me and the only thing I have gotten from him is just a few text messages and only after I text messaged him first. This morning I sent him a text message I told him that I have noticed he is being distant with me and that I felt used, as if he had gotten what he wanted out of me Saturday night and that it is hard for me to trust him now. His response back to me was that he has not been distant, but has been really confused lately and that we will talk after work.

Before Saturday night we used to talk on the phone every night. He would even call and tell me goodnight. That has all come to a stop. I am leaving the ball in his court from here on out. If we talk about this after work as he says, then he will have to contact me first. He's going to have to be the one to make this right. I have been the one giving my all to him (including giving up my religion to make him happy) and getting nothing in return for it. I'm tired of it. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I just know that it is going to take a good long time for me to trust again, if I ever do.

Tommy

Tommy is great. I have never known a guy like him ever. In the past, the men I dated tended to be very rude and controlling. If I got upset or scared about something, they would yell at me. Tommy isn't like that. For example the other night he said to me, "Awww....what's wrong, Muffin?" My heart melted when he said that.

I am sitting here right now waiting for him to get off work. We are playing it by ear on how he is going to feel. If his back hurts, then we are going to wait until tomorrow night (Sunday) to go out.

I know in an earlier blog I mentioned quiting church. I followed through with it. I no longer go to church. Over the past few months I come to realize that I really am an atheist. Tommy helped me to feel free to not only admit to myself, but those around me.

I am happy though and I don't feel any guilt over any of the decisions I have made in my life lately. It is what is best for me and I need to follow my heart to wherever it may lead me in my life journey.

Life Is Great

This is just a quick blog before I leave for church. I am thinking about quiting church again, but not sure if I want to go in that direction yet...I will blog more about this on a later date as I move closer to making a decision. I don't want to act to hastily either way.

Tommy came over on Mother's Day to spend some time with my mom after his mom left for work and he had cake and ice cream with us. I was nervous because as I think I have mentioned before, my mom thinks he is the anti-Christ.

When it came time for him to leave, I asked him if he wanted me to walk him out. He did the cutest thing, but I don't think he knows I noticed. He turned to the side thinking I couldn't see, smiled, and mouthed the word, "Yes!" Then he turned to me and acting as cool as he could, he said, "Sure, you can if you want," so I walked out with him.

We stood on the sidewalk just hugging and whispering in each other's ear. I didn't want it to end. We embraced like that for at least 15 minutes and then spent another 15 minutes kissing. Being in his arms feels great. Whenever he holds me in his arms that way I never want it to end and when it does, I can't wait to be back in his arms again.

When we finally pulled free from the embrace, he told me he would call me later and then he did this little skip and ran to his car. He seemed really happy. No guy ever reacted to me in that way before I lost weight.

We have another date later today after I get home from church. I really think he might be the one...

So Tommy and I had our date. It was great and I am so glad that I went. I am also glad that I met him.

When my mom first saw him, she looked his outfit up and down and and the look on her face when she saw his combat boots was priceless. She looked at him as if he is the anti-Christ come to life.

We went to the mall and got in a lot of walking. He was proving to me that I can eat 'junk food' from time to time and not gain any weight.

Then we went and had a coco loco at a coffee shop in the mall before we headed over to Hot Topic to do some shopping. It was the first time I have ever shopped in that store, but it has become my favorite store and I can't wait to go back.

After that we went to Chic Filet for dinner. We then left the mall and went to a club in Vallejo in a really bad neighborhood, which is where we are in the picture (it is actually in the back room of that club). We watched several bands perform and then he took me home and by the time we got bac to Fairfield, it was after one in the morning, but I had a lot of fun.

He kissed me goodnight and then he left. I got in the house to find my mom had waited up for me. She was mad at me for staying out so late and saying good girls don't stay out all night like that. I am 33 years old and she is acting as if I am still this little teenage girl. It is getting annoying as hell. She said that if I was under age, she wouldn't have let me out the door with him.

The only thing left to do is to get my mom and Tommy talking to each other and getting to know one another because I don't think either one of them is going to be out of my life anytime soon, so they need to learn to get along with one another if this is going to work, so that is what I have been working on.

On Mother's day Tommy came over to celebrate it with us since his mom had to work. I was worried about it, but I think that my mom and Tommy actually talked and they got along great. It surprised Tommy because he said that most moms don't like him. He wore his combat boots again and the outfit he planned to wear Monday to get out of jury duty (it did the trick and he doesn't have to do jury duty today, so he got to go to work, which is good because he needs the money to pay his car payment and cell phone bill).

When it came time for him to go, I asked him if it would be okay for me to walk him out. He turned to the side and I don't think he noticed that I noticed, but he smiled and mouthed the word, "Yes". When we got outside, he held me in his arms for the longest time and it felt great. Actually it felt perfect. When he was kissing me bye, I realized something. I think I am falling in love with Tommy. I can't wait to see him agian and I know it will be soon.

Before I forget, the first picture is a picture of me from behind and my new hair color (I can't wait till the excess skin is removed so I don't look so huge anymore).